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The Pain Has Become My Friend—How Sick Is That?

Posted on April 08 2010 by Pat Killingsworth | 1,068 views

My pain is like an old friend. It reminds me I am alive. Not to be overly dramatic, but I’m not sure how it would feel anymore if I didn’t feel the pain—if I didn’t have cancer.

But here’s the thing: My pain isn’t that bad. A jolt here—a twinge there. I’m convinced that’s why I feel this way. My pain can be controlled—almost banished—with a proper mix of pain meds. True, my daily activities are often limited, and my multiple myeloma isn’t curable. But, like my bone pain, it has been controllable. How would/will I feel when I begin to run out of treatment options? If and when the pain cannot be easily controlled without the help of heavy duty narcotics, which leave me wasted and unaware?

But for now, I have no regrets.  I have heard from (and met) so many intellegent, brave and engaging people since my diagnosis. From brief waiting room encounters—to correspondence with my regular readers—to oncology nurses, docs and techs—all have brought hope, texture and depth into my life. The most interesting and substantial people I know are cancer patients, survivors or caregivers! I would not have had a chance to meet and relate to these people if I didn’t have cancer. That I would never want to change.

Feel good and keep smiling! Pat

5 Comments For This Post

  1. Steven L. Ritter Says:


    I totally agree about the good, positive, encouraging people you meet once you get this cancer. I'm not sure how I would cope without them! Without the MM friends it would be a really lonely disease to have. Family and friends do their best but it is no replacement for a person who knows what you are going through! I put you right on the top of that list.

  2. Sean Says:

    Wow! I echo your thoughts. Outstanding courage and character rise from the fear and devastation of this disease. I'm praying that things only get better and better for you! And dare I say, I'm holding out for a cure. You certainly make things easier for those of us in the MM fraternity. As always – Thanks! Sean M

  3. Pat & Pattie Killingsworth Says:

    Thanks guys! I was worried this post was a bit of a "downer"… Talking about pain and dying and all. Thanks for reading! Pat

  4. Shirley Says:

    There isn't much that's easy about the MM journey, though it would be tougher without the bonding and understanding we receive from each other. Your blog is so very much appreciated Pat, even the "downer" discussions are necessary. We "get it". One day at a time….Shirley Ann

  5. Pat and Pattie Killingsworth Says:

    Shirley, all I can say is thank you! Glad you understand–me too!

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